DISPATCHES

Howkins

I usually reserve the word "weeded" for conversations about gardening, but in this particular context I don't need any translation. The meaning is clear: I was making my way across a swift, cold, waist-deep river, when suddenly my feet were swept out from under me, and I found myself thrashing and flailing downstream, trying to keep my head above water with a 50-pound pack on my back and trekking poles in my hands. Weeded: worked, biffed, toaded, lunched, pounded, prosecuted, dunked.

The GoreTex shell and Polartec fleece I was wearing when I got weeded are still soaked, the wind is blowing, and it has been alternately raining and snowing. And so, after three hours of continuous movement to prevent hypothermia, the only response I can muster is, "Yeah, I guess my head went under."

"Righteous," Ivan grins.

Righteous? Weeded? I make a mental note to add these two terms to my rapidly expanding K2000 vocabulary.

You see, we are an amazingly diverse team, the 18 of us: carpenters, students, doctors, writers, chefs; single, married, divorced, committed; mossies (middle-aged, overstressed semi-affluent suburbanites), nebbies (negative equity baby boomers), simps (single-income, money problems), droppies (disillusioned, relatively ordinary professionals preferring independent employment situations), dacs (defy all classifications).

The only things we have in common are our nationality and our passion for K2, and now our vocabulary, the "K2000 vernacular." Here is a partial guide to the terms that have evolved so far:

weeded: washed down the river
righteous: totally gnarly
stickage: snow that is falling and starting to adhere to a surface. "Check out the stickage up on that ridge."
frothage: whitewater, haystacks, holes, or any other sort of turbulence that gives you an indication of the depth or speed of a river. "I wouldn't try to cross there. Way too much frothage."
death cookies: big blocks of debris from a landslide or avalanche
death holes: pockets, sink holes, crevasses, or other aberrations in the otherwise benign fabric of the universe
white death: a mayonnaise-based salad, served after being exposed to wildly fluctuating temperatures for four days or more
habanero: an extract that is 5,000 times stronger than ordinary habanero chiles. Comes in a box with a skull-and-crossbones label and a skin irritant warning. Can be added to food with a toothpick, or smeared on barrel handles to catch thieving camel drivers.
PNUT: Possible Nuclear Testing Site. There are several of these in this region of China.
all about: really excited, all for. "I'm all about that."
halibut belly legs: skin that has never been exposed to UV rays, typically found on climbers from the far North
Tonka Toys: Chinese army tanks
skegging: way fun. "There's a skegging boulder problem around the corner."
freshies: first tracks, footsteps on virgin terrain. "We followed your freshies all the way to camp."
skanky: foul person or situation
scarf: to ingest more than one's fair share of food. "Who scarfed all the Power Bars?"
the dung putter: a Leki trekking pole used to play golf with camel dung
lung cheese: the product of vigorous coughing
Happy Cow: unbelievably delicious wedges of soft cheese, with an excellent 4-5 grams of fat per wedge. "Got Happy Cow?"
shag zone: an area outside the central cluster of tents at camp, designated for couples only
Buttercup: Paul Teare's favorite camel. "My Buttercup has blond hair and long eyelashes."
sack up: step up to the plate. "You ready to sack up?"
talking to the rocks: vomiting
foamed: baptized with camel spit
stealth team: a group of four climbers sent out at 7:00am to beat the Japanese team to the next campsite
blame-storming: finding innovative ways to explain why the inexplicable has happened
teamwork: a noble term Jeff Alzner uses when he is having a good day

— Heidi Howkins, MountainZone.com Correspondent

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